“You just wait,” I told my husband defiantly and confidently, “you just wait and see. This won’t be a waste when the fucking Prize Patrol shows up at our door, alright?”
This was my defense after he expressed his justified anger given all the money I had wasted buying junk gifts from Publisher’s Clearing House. Earlier this year, I had myself completely convinced that we would win PCH. I even made plans with my best friend about how we would quit our jobs and run a business together. I would like to share my business plans because they’re totally fucking awesome, but I don’t want anyone stealing my brilliant ideas.
In order to help make this dream a reality, I began purchasing PCH items. I bought the damn Wax-Vac, which doesn’t work worth a shit. I bought the damn OrGreenic pan, which works just the same as any other pan, but it’s green. I bought those damn food safe rolls too – you know, the plastic rolls with a slide cutter that make it easier to remove your Saran Wrap as if it was so complicated in the first place. Well, it was hard for me – so lay off!!
Quite rightly so, my husband was less than pleased with my purchases and the corresponding plan of winning PCH. But today I got to tell him, “I told you so!”
YES!!! That’s right! Can you believe it? PCH called today to inform me that I had won 2.5 million dollars!
“Hello,” the man on the line said, “Is this Angela? Angela, we’re calling to inform you that you have won 2.5 million dollars from PCH."
“Okay,” I said, a bit hesitantly. Who could believe such good luck? Who could believe my delusional dream was actually becoming a reality? Could it really be?
“Ma’am,” the man asked, “You have won 2.5 million dollars. Are you not excited?”
“Sure,” I said, “I’m excited if this is real.”
“Oh, yes, ma’am, this is surely real. Let me get my manager.”
The manager then went on to inform me that I had won 2.5 million dollars from US Make a Million, and they would be delivering my check publicly, along with a camera crew, a state trooper, and a company representative within the next few hours. All I had to do to receive my check was go to Western Union and transfer money to Marvin Bent in Trelawny, Jamaica in order to receive my wonderful prize. Isn’t that just the best news ever?
Yeah, I didn’t send the money. I did, however, call my bank immediately after getting off the phone.I dialed up my own hometown bank (not the non-existent Bank of America branch that would reportedly be delivering me a check today) and explained the situation. I then asked, “So, could you please let me know if everything with my checking and savings accounts looks okay?”
She kindly obliged, informing me, “Well, there are a lot of charges to amazon.com recently.”
“Oh, yeah, well, that’s just me,” I explained. Everyone who knows me in real life knows I spend too much damn money on amazon because I’m addicted to books. I had already completed the vast majority of my holiday shopping online too.
“Well, Angela, everything else looks good then,” she warmly explained, “Have a Happy Thanksgiving. Sorry you didn’t really win the big bucks.”
I’m sorry too. My regrets, however, are related more to my inability to say “I told you so; suck it!” to my spouse than they are about the missing million dollars. If nothing else has been gained, at least my family members can look forward to receiving a Wax-Vac as part of our white elephant gift exchange. My purchases shall not be a waste one way or another!