Thursday, November 14, 2013

Shit on a Swiffer (Why my Morning Sucked)

I currently work four hours a day, with my job beginning in the late morning. I love having additional time to spend with my two young children, both such blessings abundant with joy and happiness.  While they are insurmountably wonderful little people, some mornings can still get quite hectic trying to ready myself and two young ones while keeping a good home.  Laundry needs to be started, the dishwasher needs to be emptied, the carpeting needs to be vacuumed, the children need to be bathed, fed, and attended to, and I must also make myself look presentable for work.  Oh, yes, I nearly forget that I must also get my daily fix of mother fucking Candy Crush. 
Some mornings I think the house is presentable and I look professional enough to head off to work.  I will be just about ready to leave the home, and when I go to put my fifteen-month-old son’s shoes on, I realize he is Captain Shit Pants.  I try changing him, and he wriggles all over and I end up with feces on my blouse.  Such is the life of a mother – equal parts challenging and rewarding.
This morning I was feeling really positive about myself.  I did two loads of laundry, put away the dishes, cleaned the living room, read books with my children, and showered early.  Before showering, I set the Mint to clean the floors. The Mint is a robotic floor cleaner, very similar to the Roomba for carpets.  The Mint is compatible with Swiffer wet and dry wipes for hard wood and laminate flooring.  It’s a very effective machine and truly one of the best purchases I’ve made (I should probably be getting paid for this post).
When I stepped out of the shower this morning, feeling great about myself for how productive I had been, I smelled something quite awful.  I gripped the towel closer around me and walked into our living area to investigate the smell.  I imagined it was another morning where my son decided a massive bowel movement would be just the thing to start his mommy’s day off right.  However, he was not to blame.
Rather, I soon found that shit appeared to be streaked all over the kitchen floor.  What was happening here?  In my investigative prowess, I soon realized that my damn dog had pooped in the kitchen while I was in the shower.  The Mint had then glided over this gift and spread it ALL OVER the fucking floor.  Perhaps it wasn’t going to be a delightful morning after all.  Instead of leaving early for work, I ended up on my hands on knees scrubbing Swiffer- spread shit streaks off the hard wood flooring. 
Sometimes life is like that, I guess.  It’s full of unexpected little disasters, but you just have to clean that shit up (literally) and keep on moving.  There’s also one final announcement to be made here, which is that I now have a dumb-ass dog available for adoption.  Any interested parties? 


  1. Yuck. So sorry.
    I was dealing with vomit last night. Started the first load of laundry around midnight. My son stopped throwing up, but the odor still lingers.

  2. Ooof--as funny as it is to read to read "Swiffer spread shit streaks," I'm glad I wasn't the one cleaning it up.

  3. Ughhh. I didn't read this before your husband's post. Yes. I do HATE it when our dog poops inside. He is a Labrador. They have big, large poops. And I clean up everyone. Don't know why anyone else in the house seems unable to do the job but me.