This year, I might try to lose some weight. I might try to play less Candy Crush. I might also try to practice more patience with my spouse. While all of these would be wonderful resolutions, the truth is I’m not as worried about myself as I am with the rest of ‘Murica. Therefore, this year I decided to make resolutions for the rest of you. Listen up, assholes! I just might offend every person possible with this post. In 2014, I resolve that you people need to do the following:
1. Get off your fucking phones! Seriously, enough already. Put the phone down. Stop texting. Stop checking statuses. Stop playing whatever app is all the rage right now and actually have a conversation with the person sitting right across from you.
2. Stop glorifying all the hot messes. This is for you main stream media. Stop it right now! I mean it. No more Miley Cyrus. No more Lindsey Lohan. No more Amanda Bynes. No! No! No! If any young girl deserved your attention last year, it was Malala Yousafzai. I doubt most young folks could even tell me why Malala matters, and I blame the media. Can intelligence and integrity please take the spotlight this year?
3. No more selfies. I’m sick of all you young girls making duck faces in the bathroom mirror, and I certainly never wanted to see fucking half nude Geraldo Rivera. What makes you people think that shit is attractive? And I got some real problems with you too, Mr. President. Who takes a selfie at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service? Shame on you; you really ought to know better.
Don't nobody want to see that shit. Put your old man balls away.
4. Stop the partisan bullshit. Enough. Democracy can be defined as “a form of government in which all eligible citizens participate equally – either directly or through elected representatives.” Hmmm …. doesn’t America continue to call itself a democracy? I’m sure as shit, however, that my participation isn’t equal to that of fucking Koch Industries or Goldman Sachs. I’m disgusted with our bought and purchased politicians. A government shutdown? Start putting your political parties aside and put the people first – and not just the people with the biggest wallets.
5. Stop wearing knit caps at unnecessary times. I honestly thought this trend would have been long dead by now, but I keep spotting teens and fucking hipsters sporting knit caps indoors and in the oppressive heat of summer. What the fuck, guys? If you’re not in a snow storm, get that stupid shit off your head. And do I even need to mention Uggs?
The knit cap really completes the douche-bag look.
6. No more posting your prayers on facebook. I have no problem with religion. JC and I have a good relationship. However, when I pray it’s in earnest solemnity. God isn’t trolling facebook to see if you need some help in your relationship. You can offer gratitude and you can request prayer assistance, but the actual address “Dear God” ought not appear in your feed. Keep it up and I’m going to be posting “Dear God, give me patience to deal with all the assholes that think posting prayers on facebook makes them more pious than me.”
7. Stop asking “You mad, bro?” Okay, I’m going to admit that I’m so unhip that I don’t even know where this originated from. However, I do know that it irritates the shit out of me. In particular, this annoys me when I receive this reply after reprimanding a student about his or her behavior. I ain’t your bro, but yeah, I am mad. Shut the fuck up.
8. Stop telling me my grandmother will be raped by Satan or I will die a slow, miserable death if I don’t repost your online image about ending cancer. Yes, I think cancer sucks. Yes, I love the Lord. Yes, I appreciate the men and women of the military. Don’t you threaten me with some bad luck just because I don’t repost the meme supporting your cause though.
9. Stop defending ignorance with more ignorance. Oh, what’s that you say? Paula Deen and Phil Robertson had their first amendment rights violated when they experienced backlash for the really dumb shit they said? Yeah, you might be wrong about that one, buddy. Please study the first amendment again. I don’t believe it reads: “Say any fucking thing you want without consequence.” If it did, we could expect the young kid working at McDonald’s to say, “Here you go. Enjoy your Big Mac meal, you fat fuck” without repercussion.
10. Stop taking pictures of your food. Just stop. If Wolfgang Puck comes to your house and cooks you and your significant other a five-course meal, post away my friend. Instagram the shit out of that meal. But, every single person on the planet knows what fucking french fries look like. Nobody needs to see your appetizer from Applebee’s. Believe me.
You just ordered these french fries, and no one gives a fuck.